In his iconic 1936 book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” author Dale Carnegie outlined how the common person could bolster their charisma and likability. The book was a smash hit, kicking off the positive-thinking genre in the United States and selling 30 million copies across the globe, making it one of the top best-sellers of all-time.  

Nearly 90 years later, the positive thinking movement is still spreading, and we’re still hoping that people like us and searching for validation in our interpersonal connection. It’s an inherent urge, of course, since to our early ancestors, being liked meant they could join the safety and structure of the pack (and not get eaten by a dinosaur or other natural predator). 

These days, we’re not being chased around by dinosaurs, but we sure do still want to be accepted by the pack. As humans, we long for community and a sense of belonging on a fundamental level because of our innate reliance on it. 

While we often promote the rapid technological growth in the modern era with the idea that it drives connection, it’s easy to get lost behind a screen and distracted from genuine connections by media, notifications, or other things. 

In this modern age of unprecedented stress, anxiety, and depression, being liked means having a tribe of friends, coworkers, and even family to which we belong—the primal need for social connection that is still so meaningful for how it makes us feel connected and protected. 

Of course, being likable has other benefits, such as getting people to remember your speech, attracting donors to a worthy charitable cause, or even deepening your existing bonds of friendship. In any interpersonal relationship, your need for social and emotional connection with others is often driven by a need to be liked. 

So, today I want to highlight ten proven techniques that anyone can use to naturally and easily improve their likability and overall boost their aptitude for genuine interpersonal connection: 

• The Benjamin Franklin Effect 

It was the great American inventor Benjamin Franklin who ascertained that if you ask someone for a favor, they are actually more likely to think highly of you, not less of you.  

The tale goes that Franklin asked to borrow a rare book from someone who was perpetually standoffish, and suddenly, the man became one of Franklin’s best friends. “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged,” Franklin said of the psychological phenomenon. 

People feel valuable and wanted when you ask them for a favor or for help, like their presence, energy or knowledge is meaningful beyond simply existing in the same space as you. 

• What’s in a name? Everything! 

One of the oldest methods of gaining someone’s affection and fondness is just by using their name. Dale Carnegie highlighted this tip in his iconic book, saying that a person’s name is the sweetest sound in any language for that individual!

So, just by sprinkling their name into conversation, we can gain their affinity and create a sense of closeness or value. The same goes for titles such as “boss,” “my best friend,” etc., which both reinforce the relationship dynamic and become self-fulfilling prophecies. 

• The Ransberger Pivot 

When you’re talking to someone who makes an inadvertent or accidental error, do you correct them? Don’t! There’s a good reason to just let it be and move on. 

Of course, they surely got that fact wrong or mispronounced that word—you’re right. But two behavioral scientists, Ray Ransberger and Marshall Fritz, found that pointing out a mistake when in conversation will create low-level animosity or resentment due to their pin-pricked ego—the opposite of being more likable. This may cause people to withdraw, as they might be weary that you’re only there to check for their mistakes and point them out. Instead, Ransberger explained that it’s much more productive to listen, acknowledge what they say, and seek to understand their underlying perspective to deepen the relationship. 

• The Chameleon Effect 

This is also commonly known as mirroring or mimicking, and is a well-established non-verbal communication technique. Mirroring means that you parallel someone else’s movements, posture, or physical mannerisms. Mimicking is similar, but usually with verbal communication or conversation, like matching their tone, volume, inflections and speech patterns.

Either way, when you mirror or mimic the person you’re interacting with, they pick up positive impressions and cues, will likely feel appreciative of your attention to detail regarding them, and are more likely to be amicable. 

• Repeat Someone’s Words Back to Them 

Just as with mirroring and mimicking, a powerful but subtle tactic for getting someone to like, trust, and agree with you by repeating their words back to them from time to time. Just as nodding affirms that you are truly listening and deeply care, being considerate enough to take in what they say and paraphrase some of it back to them, possibly in the form of a confirming question, reinforces the feeling of being attentively listened or paid attention to. It enhances comfort level, and further engagement between you will blossom. 

“So, what you’re saying is that I should repeat words back to them?” 

Absolutely! See how great that works? 

•  Be Vulnerable 

Author, speaker, and researcher Brené Brown caught lightning in a bottle when her 2010 Ted Talk on vulnerability went viral, making her an overnight icon on the subject. While Brown may now be the face of vulnerability, this is nothing new from a psychological perspective. 

We are often guarded and afraid of rejection, intent on portraying the façade of perfection because we think it will endear us to others. However, the opposite is true, and people will like you for being real, authentic, and very human (which is to say, flawed). They’ll also positively love you for being fearless enough to be open about it when socially appropriate, of course. 

So go ahead—mess up the punch line of a joke, mispronounce a word, make mistakes and be true to you. People will like you anyways!

• Signaling 

In our everyday lives, we’re constantly trying to gauge if people like and accept us, even if it’s on a subconscious level. We also give off clear signals that we like and embrace others…or, so we think. 

In fact, the signals that we believe we’re giving off, such as nodding with encouragement, making eye contact, smiling, and other verbals or nonverbals, are actually way more subtle than we intend. Called “Signal Amplification Bias,” we generally believe our social cues and signals are much more obvious than they really are, so don’t be afraid to show your true feelings with ambiguity when you like someone—and want them to like you.  Speaking your mind, heart, and truth will likely be much appreciated, received with goodwill and met with glee. 

• We Like People More if They Like Us—and Vice Versa 

Some people say that finding true love is just a numbers game, and finding “true like” (for the sake of this section, we’ll pretend that’s a real term!) may be the same way. Studies show that when we know someone admires us, we’re more apt to admire them even more. 

So, a simple trick to improve your likability is to go out and like more people! Send them signals, mirror and mimic them when appropriate, and let them know you enjoy their company! You’ll likely receive the same treatment in return. It sounds simple, but it makes perfect sense!  

• Point Out and Unite Over Commonalities

People will be drawn to you more if they know you both have something in common. This is called the Similarity Attraction Effect. Whether it be a favorite sports team, coming from the same state, you both like salsa dancing, or your spiritual views, any shared interests or passions make it easier to chat and grow a bond of friendship. 

Sharing common pastimes, beliefs and perspectives creates a sense of unity and community, two things the human soul craves on an innate level! 

• Be An Active, Good Listener 

When people know you’re truly and genuinely listening to them, they’re far more likely to have glowingly positive feelings about you. A UCLA study found that out of 500 adjectives they could use to describe someone they liked, the top three words were “sincerity,” “transparency,” and “understanding” – all terms that can be used when describing active listeners. Sincerity shows realness, transparency shows vulnerability, and understanding shows empathy—three things we often rely on to feel close and enjoy someone’s company.